In losing my mentor, it is my realization that life is short and there are precious few who I trust. She is one of those few. With her ailing health I feel a deep sense of loss and sadness as her world diminishes. In that, I must acknowledge that she has limited space for me. And yet, in being with her for a very short period recently, she remained fully present with me – offering me her quality of care that I have become accustomed to over the 15 years of knowing her. She was the first person to “really” see me! She understands me, she has supported me, and now she is experiencing ill-health. Many would say that she sounds like my parent and yet, she is not my biological mother, although these two women are the same age.
As her world diminishes, how can I be deeply present with someone I love, as she ages and when there is less space for me? Initially I was angry and then disappointed. Further to this, I began to acknowledge and honor my deep sadness for my impending loss of her. I realized that I found the space within me, to offer her something that she has profoundly given to me for years – a chance to be heard, to deeply empathize and to reflect on her mixed emotions of her “human-ness”. In being honest with me, she could no longer give me more than a few hours of her time. My heart ached then, and still. In this ache and in hindsight, I realize that being present with and for each other in that 75 minutes, was THE most empowering and creative time for me. This window of opportunity enabled me to really live in the present, gaining rich and valuable life experiences – I was able to grab that moment, experience the breadth and depth of emotions and really live the profound “aha” moment from that short experience.
This brings up for me – how to “survive” the loss of someone so valued? How will I be? Who can I turn to in my times of despair? Who will support me when I feel out of my depth? It is one of those life “newbies” that I am just going to have to find my way in. The loss of treasured and valued few is profound as it is long – I have survived! And having recognized this, I trust that I will reflect on my relationship with my mentor with love and honor – and from this, I would trust that I can further create my own person, my personal bent, who I am becoming, while remembering her, and knowing that she would’ve supported me through my on-going learning. To integrate my previous experiences with her, enabling me to work towards my future, while acknowledging my present sense of my deep loss of her – I trust that I am enough and that I will have my own answers as I age.
Welcome to my Blog! As in life, and now as a “new blogger” I am Finding My Way.
On arriving in NYC in 2004 my question was – “How do I find my way in this large, sometimes friendly and welcoming, sometimes intimidating, overwhelming and often, vibrant city ?” As I have upgraded my cell phone since 2004, along comes a multitude of different apps. One that caught my attention is NYCWAY – a navigation app which has helped me find good restaurants, a restroom, where to shop, where to park a car, where the traffic cameras are, Craigslist, mailing lists, resident’s tools, a list of “things to do” – this list is endless. I have been thankful for all its information, plus having a small family unit who have helped to take initial steps – the combination alongside my desire to discover, have helped me in Finding My Way around New York City.
There is no “app” to help me in Finding My Way towards self-discovery. It is one of those things that I need to navigate myself – there is no script for me in finding my way in my life – my hunch is that there is probably no script for you either! So, how do we find our way – this is my on-going personal question. Part of my answer is, experiencing life and relationships in the most honest and authentic way I can. Perhaps the other part is connecting with people who can enhance my life experiences in an effort to find choices that are right for me. I am not an advocate of self-help books, so my journey is long, experientially based and I hope I have the energy to continue this journey for as long as I live.
This is a new (ad)venture for me – being a “blogger”! Like relocating, new job, new relationships, new relationship status – being single, being married, having children, children leaving home, ascertaining the ever changing and broadening boundaries of self-discovery, and all those other life “discoveries” – the list again is endless. In launching myself and Finding My Way in and around the Blogging World, I feel terrified on some level, and yet, I am excited to use writing as an art-form of self-expression and trust that I will connect with you.
How to navigate this – Is it like those experiences as mentioned above – another new journey? Finding My Way takes courage, and with quiet and a life-long resilience and determination it is my desire that I will find answers for myself. My challenge is to have courage it takes to find my way, to be open to the myriad of adventure that life has on offer. If I have the capacity, if I have the curiosity, if I have the desire to understand, and if with all of this and more, I have the support of a few to stand alongside me in my search, then it is my core belief that I will find my own way in this world, and in writing my blog.
So, here’s to blogging – my understanding and in my reading of other blogs – it’s all about journaling, finding my style and voice, how often do I post, how much do I write, etc. With anything new, I am tentative, a little cautious and a wish to discover things on a particular level. As I continue, this often changes and deepens. It is my hope that through my own writing, photographs, connections and articles I can experience an emerging part of me, not discovered before. Who knows what will be revealed! Watch this space! It is my hope that you may feel as though you want to make comment, or simply reflect on your own journey…
… Blogging is about to become another part of my life journey. While I feel considerable uncertainty about this new chapter, my desire in Finding My Way in this and other facets of my life is paramount to me. So, I have taken my first step – PHEW!